Ok. Well... I guess that's about it. Here's where I should say something profound and meaningful, but I'm just not up to it tonight. So...uh... Make love not war... or something.

Almost every day, something else happens to remind me just how small a part of this office I am. I already don't feel like part of my own department - we just sort of share the same boss - and now the one person who I thought would treat me like I belonged somewhere has become...different.

 

K said months ago that she was getting these radios as samples from some company or other. They're cute little radios, and she said she was trying to get some extras to give out as little goodies to certain support people here on the floor. Great, except I never heard any more about it...until today.

 

She asked one of the women who works here if she ever got her radio, and she said yes. I overheard, and I shouted over, "I didn't!" K just looked at me, shrugged, and said "Sorry" in that way that tells you that the person saying it really isn't. At all. So there's me being left out of another "you belong with us!" situation. *Sighs*

 

Before, when A was sharing a cubicle with me, I got stuff from them. I didn't care about that, really - it just felt good to be thought of. But then A moved out to her own place, and it all stopped. Suddenly I'm not one of K's "girls" anymore. Makes me think that maybe I was only getting stuff while A was here so it wouldn't be so obvious to me (or anyone else?) that I'm not part of their group. But now that she's gone, those allowances don't have to be made. They don't have to pretend that I belong with them just to keep the peace. So, once again, I'm on my own.

 

It's a very lonely thing, being your own tiny department. I'd rather be a smaller part of a larger department, if that meant that it wasn't so lonely all the time.

 

I's no help with that. I wrote him the other day to vent about my ex and get his opinion on some things, and he said that he was too busy thinking of other things to give it much thought. Which kind of upset me. So we ended up in an argument, and he finally said, "Fine. This is what I didn't tell you before..." And proceeded to disagree with me. Which was fine. But why not just *say* that in the first place, instead of making an excuse not to? He said that he was afraid to disagree with me because he knew I'd get mad. *Blink* So what if he disagreed with me? In fact, the only reason I got mad is because his excuse touched upon a sore subject that was only brought up a few days ago. *That* is the only reason I was ticked off at him. What's the use of going to someone that won't tell you what they're really thinking?

 

So... yeah. I don't even have him to email anymore during the day. Which makes this place very lonely, and my days rather long. (Especially ones like this that aren't very busy). I've made friends with another woman here - I'll call her J - but I don't want to bother her with things like this. We've only started talking a lot recently, and I don't want to come off as this totally neurotic bitch so soon. (She'll find out about that later). :P

 

My boyfriend told me the other day that he wants to marry me (!!), so I've been spending a lot of time window-shopping on eBay. I've been looking at the wedding sets on there - mostly the fake ones, since the real ones are way too expensive. They have some BEAUTIFUL things on there, and I wish he'd hurry up and propose, already, so I can get a set. :P I know why he's waiting - there are things in my life that make it necessary - but at the same time I wish he'd just do it. He wants to. I want him to. What's the problem? I have to stop all that window-shopping, though...makes me wish for it. I shouldn't rush into it, but it feels so right with him. My parents will probably shoot me. :P

 

I can't help but wonder how he's going to do it. Propose, I mean. I wonder if it'll be the whole down-on-one-knee, romantic approach, or if he'll just say "Pick out a ring you want. Let's get married." *Shrugs* With him, it could really be either. Though to be honest, I'm hoping for the former. Never really had that before. Part of me almost wishes that he'd kept it a secret. It would've been an amazing surprise. But now that I know about it, I can't UNknow it. Oh well. Something to look forward to, I guess.

 

V has stopped writing to me. I knew she would eventually, but I didn't think it would be so soon. She's only been in Wales for - what? - three months, I think? Maybe four. I heard from her a grand total of three times, I believe it was. *Sighs* And she said she misses me. Right. Another disappointment associated with people I work with. Shocking!

 

Wow. Look at that. It's lunch time. I'm going to go grab some food, and sign off on this little self-pity fest. Maybe next time I'll have more good stuff to say.

An old friend came back into my life recently. I hadn't heard from her in over a year, and suddenly there was an email from her in my inbox. She wants to catch up, she says. She wants to renew our friendship. I have no idea why. It'll be the same as it was before...she won't have time to hang out, or she'll get upset that I don't tell her my feelings enough or at all. It's stupid. She's too high maintenance, and too flighty for me to think that this will last more than a few months or so. And if she's still smoking as much weed as she used to be... *Shrug* I don't run in those circles, so she'll leave me behind soon enough.